


Who He Was

by MetaVirus



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Gen, Gift, Poetry, Secret Santa, Spoilers, introspective piece
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-20
Updated: 2014-12-20
Packaged: 2018-03-02 12:08:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2811464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MetaVirus/pseuds/MetaVirus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Life was never easy for Gon, but not once did he not enjoy the ride. Meeting people, making friends, fighting foes, finally managing a goal he’d set his sights on, it was all so exhilarating. It felt right. He felt like where he was, who he was, finally made sense. More than feeling happy, he knew he belonged.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Few Accepted Him

**Author's Note:**

> My writing portion of my secret santa gift to bpd-gon on tumblr! It seems they changed their URL though so I believe they go by another name now but I don't have a link. Anyways I hope you enjoy this! I decided to focus on a dfab transgender Gon (I was thinking about doing a piece about him being gender-fluid but I ultimately decided on this instead).
> 
> Only slightly sad Gon in this because I wanted it to be sorta happy? Cutie patootie deserves it.

                He wasn't the kind to be self-conscious about crying. It was something that came naturally and he didn't care when people mocked him for it (but it was annoying when people try pointing out that “it’s because he was a girl”, when **he** **wasn't** ).

                He was sick of the constant refusal to accept his gender, he was a boy and that was that! But everyone wanted to know what was in his pants, it was frustrating and unfair.  He’s only met a handful of people that haven’t questioned him about it (Leorio, Kurapika, and Killua). Instead of arguing with him, they just accepted it without a second thought. Killua said that he has a sister like him, said that he should be able to be whoever he wants. Gon was so glad he had finally met friends that he could truly say that they accepted him for who he was. There was even a man named Hisoka, who even though he at first referred to Gon as a girl, quickly switched pronouns when Gon told him to. Looking at Hisoka, Gon could tell he was the kind of guy to not really care about gender or sex anyways.

                Being a hunter introduced Gon to an entirely new world. One of the best parts was that since these people were so highly respected, no one cared about hiding behind social standards. Bisky had mentioned some very famous transgender hunters to him, saying that “it’s not something that will prevent your success”. It was so different than how the people of Whale Island treated him (they all refused to call him a boy even though they said they still cared about him). At least Mito-san and his Grandma was supportive of it the moment he decided to cut his hair short and declared himself a boy.

                Whenever Gon had a little time to himself, he couldn’t stop thinking (about things that people would shout at him, or the way people would eye him when they realised his chest was bound), but what weighs even heavier in his mind is the start of puberty. Killua had said he’d help him research procedures and doctors… they’d do it together. Killua would be there for him through thick and thin. Gon didn’t want to meet his father like a daughter; he wanted to be like a son. Gon wanted to hold his head high when he first sees Ging, wanted to show him that even without his guidance, he had grown into a fine man (one _without a father_ ).

Sometimes Gon wishes he wasn’t so honest with people; many of whom wouldn’t know that he was born as a girl if he didn’t mention it, but he didn’t want to lie. He also didn’t want to hide behind something he wasn’t, he was proud of his journey so why feel ashamed about it? Killua told him that his honest nature can be a downfall as well as an advantage. Killua, who is the opposite of Gon in honesty, would never tell people about Gon unless Gon specifically expressed it (and Gon thinks that it’s a good thing, but he also hopes Killua isn’t doing that because he’s embarrassed by him). When he thinks about these things his head hurts, why was it so hard for some people to understand?

                He guesses he could call it sadness. He’s happy where he is but what about those who weren’t as honest as he? Who wouldn’t dare announce it to any stranger friendly enough to listen? What if it had been Killua who was stuck in the wrong body? Gon is sure Killua wouldn’t do anything, he’d think himself stupid (sweet, smart Killua who underrates his own abilities). Killua is too hard on himself when he should look at himself like the way he looks at Alluka (with love). Gon thinks that maybe he needs to look at Killua that way because Killua won’t do it himself. If Killua wants to stay who he is, then that is wonderful, but if he wants to change- Gon will be there. Like Killua was for him.

                If there was anything he could do for Killua he would do it. Killua who had accepted him without comment, Killua who followed him the entire journey, Killua who helped Gon more times than he can count on his hands. Killua who was willing to tell Gon that his ideas were stupid when they were, but also Killua who supported Gon through the difficult strategies and plans in order to get where they were today.

                Life was never easy for Gon, but not once did he not enjoy the ride. Meeting people, making friends, fighting foes, finally managing a goal he’d set his sights on, it was all so exhilarating. It felt right. He felt like where he was, _who_ he was, finally made sense. More than feeling happy, he knew he belonged.


	2. The Adrenaline of Plummeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Endless green pastures and the call of adventure,  
> it was his very own personalized drug.  
> He’d jump off of the tallest trees and mountains in the world,  
> just to feel adrenaline of plummeted to the ground.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second part of my writing portion for bpd-gon on tumblr! This is sort of free-written poetry based on some of the chimera ant arc stuff. Spoilers within.

Endless green pastures and the call of adventure,  
it was his very own personalized drug.  
He’d jump off of the tallest trees and mountains in the world,  
just to feel adrenaline of plummeted to the ground.  
  
He wasn’t like any animal, he didn’t mark his territory with claws,  
but this was because his territory was the world (and there was no place he wasn’t welcome).  
He was strong in both heart and soul,  
but you could say he was weak when it came to those he loved.

The day someone kills an important person,  
the day when Gon feels true guilt (and loss),  
will be the day when people realise that his endless optimism and honesty,  
can be a recipe for destruction (outer and inner).

It’s scary how much one person could sacrifice of themself,  
because of guilt,  
shame,  
regret.

It’s scary how much he blamed himself, for something that wasn’t his fault.  
For something that was being in the wrong place, at the wrong time.  
For something that was just a battle for survival, not a blood-driven murder.

But still he regrets.  
And wishes he died that night.  
He’d much rather be buried beside the body of a comrade,  
than pretending that death wasn’t possible.

“It doesn’t matter if I die” he thinks “so I’ll use it all”.  
  
So he does.  
  
And he cries.  
  
“It’s time for you too, to sleep.”  
  
He hears the call of his name.  
This isn’t what he wanted.  
He cries.  
  
He regrets.


End file.
